I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
