Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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