Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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