if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
