I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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