sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Randomize
