Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
