the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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