all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
my being single is dangerous.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Two words: blizzard sex
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
