When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
