I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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