she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
