then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
