***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
