So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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