I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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