everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
