Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Randomize
