I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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