sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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