Your favorite bartender is back from prision
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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