I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
