We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
