So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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