Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I need to sanitize my soul.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
