how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
