Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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