i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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