Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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