i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
