We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
