i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
