I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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