her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
