tonight lets celebrate not being married
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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