You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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