Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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