I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
