I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
