My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
