Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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