My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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