I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
the condom got lost in my hair
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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