everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
