I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I need to align my fucking chakras
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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