you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
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