dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
