My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
