At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
