Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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